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Thread: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

  1. #41
    very good story!

  2. #42
    Stepping north of the village, the heroes first waded through clumps of undead, zombies and skeletons and the carrion birds that turned the first into the second. As they reached the top of the bluff, they paused, as a strange and bizarre sight met their eyes.

    “Oh … my,” Jean exclaimed. Jessica pulled out a censor bar, dropping it in front of Ashley’s face. “This is your doing, isn’t it, Origen?”

    “Nope. I would definitely have remembered downloading the Muff-diving Maenad’s skin mod.” Eyebrows high, he ran one hand over his bald head. “Though I’m certainly going to look for it now.”

    “Look on the bright side,” Jessica said, “At least we didn’t have to deal with the Swinging Dick Satyr mod too.”

    As they stood, distracted by the caterwauling and rippling blue fur, Miyagi was suddenly struck in the chest by a metal spiked ball. “Ah, poison,” he said, before expiring a moment later. Even as the rest of them readied weapons, a full volley of the balls came flying between the trees, thanks to a group of maenads on hands and knees. They all quickly succumbed to the poison, and dragged themselves back up the hill. “Dangit, I can’t see to shoot any of them,” Ashley complained, lobbing off random fireballs and setting the scenery ablaze.

    “It’ll take too long to put censor bars on all of them,” Jessica retorted, blocking a spear on her shield before giving the cat-woman an extra large nipple piercing. “And tell your dog to quit humping their legs and just kill them already!”

    They worked their way through the maenad encampment, collecting scrap metal and enough undergarments to open a Frederick’s of Athens. By the time they reached the coast, Miyagi had more bikinis hanging from his staff than the discount rack at Wal-Mart. Ahead of them, blocked by a few dozen lizard-men, was the walls of Megara. “Lovely. So, slaughter the slimy beasts, and then come back to collect their junk?” Jean queried.

    “Indeed,” Miyagi answered, switching his staff out for his knife. Vanishing, he gave the Ichthian shaman a perfect kidney shot, then retreated back behind Jean, Jessica, and Dogmeat, as they came charging forward with swords and fangs.

    Inside the city, they unloaded their junk, and the underwear supply, and picked up the rest of the Ichthian equipment. An older, bald man, came waddling forward as they returned the second time. “You must be the would-be heroes that Leonidas told me about,” he said, wiping his brow with a handkerchief.

    “Wait, how’d you talk to Leonidas? He’s still back in Sparta,” Ashley challenged him.

    “He posted all about it on Facebook,” Timon said. “Anyway, I’m here to tell you about an offer you cannot refuse.”

    “I can refuse it,” Origen snarked.

    “No, you can’t,” Timon said. “Refusing to do this quest means you’ll never become a hero, because the Oracle won’t speak to you, and every hero sees an oracle at some point.”

    “Curse you, logic! Okay, go on,” the bard groused.

    “North of here, there’s a sacred olive tree. The oracle at Delphi is said to be quite fond of the green olives from this particular tree, especially when they’re placed in a shaken-not-stirred martini. To get in to see her, you’ll have to get some olives from the tree.” He paused to wipe sweat from his forehead again, then nodded. “Oh yes, I almost forgot – say hello to your little friends.”

    Reaching inside his toga, he pulled out five burlap bags, and handed one to each hero. “Now you don’t have to look like you’re returning from a fraternity panty raid. Oh, and speaking of which,” he reached over, taking a thong off Origen’s guitar, “I’ll keep that pair.”

    “Thank you for advice,” Miyagi said with a small bow. “Now, we set forth, to get olives.”

    “And money, don’t forget money,” Ashley said. “We need lots of money to get decent equipment. Especially with all of those zombies assaulting the northern part of the city.”

    “Not zombies again,” Jessica complained. “Oh well, let’s get a move on.”

    After helping the guards clear out the skeletons inside the city walls, they dropped a censor bar over Ashley’s face long enough to take out another batch of Maenads, then stood at the edge of the ruined farmlands. “So, into the ruins?” Origen said, pausing to retune.

    “No choice,” Jean sighed, sharpening her sword. “Those artisan were all talking about the hordes of skeletons in the catacombs up ahead, and if the skeletons got into the city once, they’ll do it again.”

    “Well, in that case, there’s only one thing to do – acquire expendable cannon fodder.” Slinging his guitar, he pulled out a cell phone and started texting. “And … here they are,” he grinned, as two teenage girls came running up to him, screaming nonsensically at the top of their lungs. “Ladies – sally forth!” he pointed dramatically, and after pulling out cans of mace, they proceeded to do just that.

    The other heroes stared at him for a moment, even Dogmeat. “You … have groupies?” Ashley blurted out, astonishment practically falling off of her.

    “Best five skill points I’ve spent yet,” he said, readying his guitar again. “Shall we?” Turning, he strode after his groupies towards the ruins.


    Not much time for playing the last few days, I spent all weekend either at work or gaming BESM with my buddies. However, I did find a backup of the Music Mastery skills, I had written up two years ago (gosh, how the time flies). So, Groupies!

    Groupies (2nd rank skill)
    180 energy cost, 30 second cooldown, max 12 skill points
    Summon groupie with 200 HP, 12-20 elemental damage, 10 bleeding damage over 3.0 seconds
    each extra point adds +25 HP, +3-5 elemental damage, +5 bleeding damage, and +10 energy cost
    extra groupies at 5th, 9th, 13th skill point.
    So at 5 skill points spent on it (where Origen's at), he gets two groupies with 300 HP, 24-40 elemental damage +30 bleeding damage, that take 220 energy each to cast.

  3. #43
    What would a bard be without his pets ... eh, groupies!

    I like the story, keep it up!

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