Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

[ZaLiTH]

Hahaha... Nice one, thanks Venn. I actually went looking for Who Framed Roger Rabbit last night because of that..

[weeniebean]

Lol hilarious . I can seroiusly relate with my TQ characters and I love the expression from the characters. I feel like i am actually there. Keep up the AWESOME work

[Oldsoul]

well i find it a little boring i qess i have seen to many movies read to many books and did to much of suwesides to realy aprisiade this
but becous many find it good you get 1 face of my

[BlueNinja]

Well folks, I'm moved out of my house - and I won't be moved into my new one two states away for another ten days or so. My brand-new laptop is defective (I suspect this program that came installed called "Vista") and I'm not sure where my memory stick is. If I can find it, I'll write them through Nessus at my first opportunity. Otherwise, we'll all be waiting a bit.

[ZaLiTH]

Well folks, I'm moved out of my house - and I won't be moved into my new one two states away for another ten days or so. My brand-new laptop is defective (I suspect this program that came installed called "Vista") and I'm not sure where my memory stick is. If I can find it, I'll write them through Nessus at my first opportunity. Otherwise, we'll all be waiting a bit.

That is rather sad news... I suggest you upgrade your laptop then; give it a good XP Pro upgrade, life should be good again. LOL.

[BlueNinja]

Man, this would have been so much easier if I had gotten Microsoft Office re-installed on my laptop instead of having to spend half an hour convincing my wife to let me use her computer. But, Nessus is now defeated! Also, give your appriciation for R. Lee Ermey, who graciously replaced whats-his-name the old guy.

----

Freshly prepared with empty backpacks, the five heroes trooped down the hills to the lower set of barricades. As they stepped out, one of the soldiers called out to them. “If you’re really going out there, would you mind looking for someone?”

The group exchanged glances, and Origen shrugged. “Sure. Who are we supposed to be looking for? Lost women and children? Soldiers taken prisoner?”

The man shook his head. “No, our drill sergeant. He went out for a stroll this morning to scout enemy location and look for new recruits. I figure if you guys can find him soon enough, we won’t have to bury you with the others.”

“Har har,” Jean muttered as they turned back towards the forest. Before long, they were wading through satyr blood, kicking over boar corpses, and carefully dodging exploding centaur brains. Before long, they could see a group of satyrs, all lurking behind a large bush and glancing fearfully around it towards a clearing. “What do you suppose they’re up to?” Jean asked.

Ashley shrugged. “Only one way to find out,” she said, and raised her staff. Launching a fireball, she sent Dogmeat charging into the group. The satyrs panicked, first running around the bush, then retreating back towards the heroes in terror of what lay beyond.

When the bodies lay scattered around the ground, Miyagi stepped around the bush to see what the satyrs were so scared of. Standing in the clearing nearby was an aged man, dressed in sharply-pressed green tunic and pants, with a large hat on his head. “Greetings,” he said, stepping forward, “we come to find you.” Before he could say anything else, the man spun around and marched quickly over to him.

“It’s about **** time, maggot! What kind of lousy excuse for a soldier are you? Did I give you permission to speak, ****-for-brains? Drop and give me fifty pushups! And no ***** excuses about ‘I’m a caster!’ Or ‘I’m only a refugee!’ Well?” Spinning sharply on his heel, he marched around a slack-jawed Miyagi to confront the other four. “What’s wrong with the rest of you? These are the lousiest excuse for uniforms I’ve ever seen in my thirty years in the army! Whatever real-echelon motherfucker came up with the idea to let women join the army deserves to have the **** bombed out of him by the enemy! What is wrong with that dog? Do you always bring along the god**** mascots and little kids into a ******* warzone? What is your major malfunction?”

The last was screamed into Origen’s face, as he stood gaping at the man they had come to find. Before he could stammer out a response, Ashley kicked him hard in the shins. “What is wrong with you, you foul-mouthed old bastard?” she said back to him. Turning her back on him with great emphasis, she started walking north out of the clearing. “Let’s go find out if there’s someone out there who’s worth saving.” Ignoring R. Lee Ermey’s continued shouting, the others followed her out of the clearing.

After taking out another few dozens of satyrs and centaurs, they closed in on the northern pass through the rocky hills. Several war pennants had been hung on poles next to still grisly skulls, and they could hear the pounding of drums up ahead somewhere. “I think this is the place,” Origen said. He glanced around a rock up ahead, where the sound of horses could be heard. “I’m betting the chieftain is the biggest one.” Turning back, he glanced as Jessica and raised an eyebrow.

“Absolutely not,” she said firmly. “Not for any man who’s literally half animal.” Muttering quietly under his breath, she pulled a vial of poison out of the pocket in her breastplate and started reapplying it to her sword.

Jean motioned their bard back, and took her own look around the rock at the centaurs up ahead. “Ok, here’s the plan,” she said. “First, we go in and take out all of his smaller buddies.” Before she could continue with the rest of their battle plan, Dogmeat charged into the clearing, barking furiously. In about .8 seconds, the dog came back out, minus an ear and several hanks of fur.

“I believe we lost surprise attack,” Miyagi observed dryly, an instant before ten centaurs came thundering around the rocks, firing arrows and thrusting dangerously with spears.

Back in town, they shook off the last of the water from the resurrection fountain, and Jean frowned savagely at the dog. “Couldn’t you stay under control for five lousy seconds?” she complained. Whining and tucking his tail between his legs, Dogmeat moved behind his mistress. Readying their weapons again, they set out down the hill and through the barricades.

On their first assault, they accounted for no centaurs. Ditto for the second. By the third one, the centaurs greeted them with razzing and boos, and Nessus even offered to fight them one on one with one arm tied to his back. By the fourth one, Origen was as near to building up a miniature storm cloud above his head as he could get in the game. “That does it, I’ll give them something to think about!”

When they set forth, he led the group around to one side, so that they would be approaching the centaurs from behind one of the other rocks. Stepping out, he pulled back one arm and did his best Van Halen impression. A wave of sound burst forth, blasting off the rock behind the centaurs and back through them again. The beastmen staggered, shaking their heads in pain as the ringing in their ears abated.

With the momentary stun, his four companions accounted for twice their number of Nessus’ helpers. “Not so helpless now, are we?” Origen mocked him. More taunts were placed on hold as he attempted and failed to digest a hoof sandwich.

Regrouping in town a few minutes later, they restocked their potion supply. “Think we can take him this time?” Jean asked. Jessica smiled, holding up her green-tinged blade and smiled.

This last time, they charged around the corner of the rock at Nessus, letting their fireballs, arrows, and songs lead the way. While Jessica slashed his bow in half, Dogmeat ripped out his tail, and finally Miyagi settled the giant centaur by smacking one end of his staff into the monster’s face and triggering a last fireball. As their enemy hit the ground, they took a moment to rest. Then Ashley looked up the hill, past another set of dangling banners. “I think I see his treasure stash!” she said. Before the others could recover, she was already tipping over the chests and sorting through the equipment. “Hey, Jean?” she asked when the rest of them finally caught up.

“Yeah?” the older woman asked warily, slinging her bow on her backpack.

“How come all of these monsters only seem to stock ninety percent lowest grade crap?” she kicked a broken copper helmet down the hill, where it bounced off Nessus.

Sharing a disgusted look, they loaded up their packs. “If we ever reach the god of wealth, I intend to ask him just that, quite pointedly.” Jessica stopped, then shook her head. “Actually, would you rather the monsters had all the really good stuff that they could use to kill us with?”

A moment of silence enveloped them, before Origen put his beat-up guitar across his backpack. “Actually, yes. It’s not like they’re not killing us now, is it?” Fortified with another very small amount in cash, they trooped back to Sparta and added a few handfuls of coins to their purses.

[Ragnos]

That was really nice of you wife to let you use her computer.

Glad to see you continue your story with your heroes still dying all the time, poor chaps. A special treat is when they try to get rid of the water of the rebirth fountain (which actually will make you wet; I just never pictured it this lively up to now).

Hilarious! Keep up the good work.

[Matseb2611]

Still going well. Keep it up.

[1cec0ld]

Oddly enough, I can't quite see them fighting Megalesios, the Greek Telkine. The Minotaur, either. They just seem...so stupid? Maybe its cause they're in xmax...and do I sense Uber? (Ive never played Uber, only read about it, so i wouldn't know)

[Venn]