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Thread: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

  1. #1

    Lightbulb Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

    Titan’s Quip – a parody (sell value 1 gp)

    The boat drifted up to the dock, the boatman staring nervously at the faint pall of smoke drifting upwards from behind the little township of Helos. Barely had the vessel been settled before a woman leaped off onto the rickety dock, taking a few quick staggering steps to be standing on firm soil. Drawing in a deep breath, she exclaimed, “Helos, your savior has arrived!”

    “**** right I have,” another of the passengers groused from behind her, cracking his neck audibly. “So why don’t you just get back on the boat and get – ouch!” His patronizing speech was cut off as the young girl kicked him square in the ankle.

    “Really, I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said another woman, her shoulderless red tunic nearly slipping off of her lithe body. “Isn’t it better to have three heroes rather than one?”

    “Four!” burst out the girl, looking dangerously close to kicking the tall redhead’s high heels out from under her.

    “Five!” said another voice from behind them, and the ragtag group turned around to look at the aged asian man walking up the pier. “So, now we get going, yes? Monsters to beat. I am Miyagi.”

    “Hi, old guy! I’m Ashley,” cried the girl as she bounced over to him.

    The other man groaned, and rubbed a hand from his eyes up and over his shaved head. “Call me Origen,” he said, then drew out the knife at his belt. “Can we speed this up and get moving?”

    Pouting, the sultry redhead pointedly ignored him and gave a small nod to Miyagi. “My name’s Jessica.”

    “And I am Jean d’Arc,” said the last woman, before tucking her braided hair up under her cap. “Now are we ready to step forth and kill things?”

    “Wait a minute!” cried out Corythus, unhappily. “Not a single one of you is Greek!”

    The five would-be heroes exchanged a glance hurriedly, then Origen shrugged broadly. “So what?”

    Pulling a tactical facepalm, the boatman spat something in Greek. “This is a Greek town. The whole game is based on Greek mythology. But not a single one of you is Greek! This is a travesty!”

    Smirking, Ashley turned around and started leading the way up the road. “Isn’t that why we’re filming on location?”

    Before any of them had moved more than a few steps up the road, a frantic Greek man came rushing towards them from the fiend. “Help me, help me! The satyrs are attacking my horse!” Somewhere in the soundtrack echoed a beating drum.

    “What was that?” Miyagi asked.

    “What was what?” Timeus asked back, slipping the drum behind his back.

    “Never mind that – we’ve got a horse to rescue!” cried Jean.

    “And experience to earn!” Origen chimed in.

    All five drew their knives, and charged into the field. They could see a handful of satyrs harrying an old, swaybacked nag of a horse. “He wants us to save that ugly thing?” Ashley asked in disgust.

    Wading into the fray, the five made short work of the satyrs, who didn’t even bother turning to try and defend themselves, but continued poking their weapons at the horse, whose gray coloring might have been stone for all the good the weapons did.

    “We saved the horse!” Jessica purred. Then she made the mistake of trying to reach for the bridle still on the horse. Whinnying in anger, or maybe still in fear, the horse started to lash out at the five people surrounding it. In moments, they were all sent flying head over heels, with hoofprints stamped on more sensitive parts of their anatomy. Moaning and clutching their bruises, they staggered back out of the field. “Don’t say a word,” she said, waving her knife in Timeus’ direction.

    Only a little further up the road lay the town of Helos – their destination. The guards, dressed smartly out in armor and gleaming weapons, looked over the five with varying looks of dismay. Still, they managed to hold their comments until the heroes had passed them. Still, seeing five people walking into the village, the captain of the guards came rushing forward to them.

    “Well, if this isn’t just what we need – five more useless mouths to feed!” Even as they opened their mouths to protest, he spoke louder, cutting them off with a derisive wave. “Take your useless selves over to talk to Diomedes – maybe he’s got a good suicide mission you can take yourselves on.” Continuing to ignore them, he strode up to the barricades and started berating his soldiers on the condition of their uniforms.

    “Well, they’re sure friendly around here,” Origen muttered as he wiped satyr blood off his knife. “What does a guy have to do around here to get treated seriously?” Walking past a fountain, the other four missed seeing Ashley toss in a coin, and the sparkling water that then began to flow in it.

    Diomedes, the village elder, turned out to be a portly man with a thick beard. “What, more useless refugees? Like we didn’t have enough of them already! Oh sure, we can keep the monsters out of the village, but since they’ve overrun all of the fields and orchards, we can’t feed everyone right now! If you want to have a next meal, then go out there and kill the shaman who’s burning the wheat fields down.”

    “Wait moment,” Miyagi started to say, but Diomedes cut him off, pointing imperiously towards the small bridge across the small river their boat came on.

    Snorting, the girl led the way toward the bridge. “Might as well get this over with,” she said, leading the rest towards their first real battle.

  2. #2

    Re: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

    BTW - feel free to post comments/questions/complaints/flames.

    The characters are as follows:
    Origen (based off of someone I know from another forum)
    Miyagi (the guy from Karate Kid)
    Jean d'Arc (a wholly fictional rip-off of the famous French lady)
    Jessica (Rabbit, the femme fatale from Who Framed Roger Rabbit)
    Ashley (Rayne's niece from the webcomic Least I Could Do)

    More to be posted soon - first I've got to get them all through the quest and up to level 3!

  3. #3
    Priest qeu's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007

    Re: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

    Well, that was entertaining.
    Please Post more.
    "Life is the biggest bargain- we get it for nothing"
    "In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice they are not."
    "Deciding not to chose is still a choice"

  4. #4
    Olympian God Matseb2611's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007

    Re: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

    Nice. Quite an unusual take with 5 heroes as opposed to one. Let's see how it will turn out.

    PS: Is Angela a liar or something? She said her name was Ashley.

  5. #5

    Re: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

    Quote Originally Posted by Matseb2611 View Post
    Nice. Quite an unusual take with 5 heroes as opposed to one. Let's see how it will turn out.

    PS: Is Angela a liar or something? She said her name was Ashley.
    ... Crud. *edits*

  6. #6

    Re: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

    Titan's Quip, scene 2, hopefully without any more brain farts like the last one.


    Clearing out the farmland took a great deal of time, and the heroes were sore, bruised, and bleeding by the time they reached the back of the farms and the road into the woods. Raising the club he had picked up earlier, Miyagi bashed in the head of one last satyr, before the last of them went running off for reinforcements. A sparkly swirl filled the air above his head for a moment, and a sound echoed around them. “What was that?” Jean asked.

    Ashley snorted. “That was Miyagi gaining a level.” They all looked at her blankly. “Seriously, doesn’t anyone read the game manual anymore?”

    Origen snorted, and picked up a pair of rusty axes, dropping them into his backpack. “Girl, nobody ever reads the manual. We all learn by doing.” Hefting the bargain-bin staff he picked up in the village, he turned towards the trail.

    “If he made a level already, then we shouldn’t be very far behind him,” Jessica said, and tugged a little harder at the red runic sliding off her shoulder.

    They moved up the trail cautiously, passing by a stone pillar with a glowing red light at the top, looking at it suspiciously. Up ahead they could hear a fire going, and the muttering and shuffling of a greater horde of satyrs. “Ready?” Miyagi asked. Waiting for everyone’s nod, he led the charge into the edge of the satyr camp.

    Only to have all of them screech to a halt. There was over a dozen regular satyrs – not much of a problem to any of the heroes at this point. But what concerned them was not one satyr shaman, but three! One of them had shaved off his headfur, leaving the dome between his horns almost as shiny as Origen’s head. Another one had his long, straight fur cut into a sort of a bowl cut, and the third had shorter, curly fur. “Hey, look! A buncha wise guys!” one of the shamans said.

    “Oh, crap,” Ashley said, as the main group of satyrs charged them. The three shamans stood back, lobbing fireballs and nyuk-nyuks in their direction as they fought off the first wave. But in a minute or so, all of the satyrs were lying on the ground, and the other four had gained their levels as well. They faced off against the shamans, five against three, and prepared to kick some monster ***.

    But the monsters didn’t fight fair! First, Curly stepped forward and poked Miyagi in the eyes. Larry parried a blow from Origen’s staff, then stomped on his foot before introducing a fireball to his face. Moe tried the same eye-poke on Jean, who was quick enough to block it with her hand. But then he did it with both hands to defeat her block. In moments, the five heroes were on the defensive, and the unthinkable happened a moment later.

    Raising her arm in reflex, Jessica tried to block a fireball. Instead, it swept right through her dagger, impacted her chest, and dropped her lifeless body to the ground. In the space of a second, her body vanished, being replaced by a granite tombstone with an epitaph reading, “Here lies Jessica Rabbit, XP value: 10.”

    Cackling with glee, the three shamans finished off the rest of the heroes in a few moments, and then relaxed around their fire, with five tombstones to keep them company.

    Back in town, Jessica came spluttering up out of the depths of the fountain, dragging herself over the edge to lie in the middle of the road. Panting with shock, she took a moment to recover, sitting up just in time to see Ashley’s head pop out of the fountain. She gave a brief cry of shock, then stood up to help the girl get out herself.

    A few minutes later, all reassembled, they marched back out across the bridge towards the woods. Diomedes watched them go, shaking his head. Five minutes later, watching them head out again, he added a few curse words as well.

    On the fourth try, they had finally worn down the shaman stooges to death. Sweating profusely and shaking with exertion, Origen replaced his now battered club with one of their staffs, then proceeded to fireball the corpses in the face a few times for good measure. “Take that you little bastards,” he muttered.

    Jean kicked open one of the treasure chests the satyrs had left laying about in the glade, and distributing the treasure, they headed back to town. “Anyone decided what masteries they’re going to take?”

    “Hey, a puppy!” Ashley cried, running over to the back corner of the clearing. Tied to a stake was a vicious looking mutt that looked like it outweighed her. “Good boy!” She paused a moment, then said, “Heel!” The dog promptly ripped the rope to pieces and trotted right up to her feet. “I’m going with Nature mastery!” she said proudly.

    Groaning, Origen hefted his pack and started the trek towards town. “I’ll wait to make up my mind.”

  7. #7
    Olympian God Matseb2611's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007

    Re: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

    Hehe, the 5 of them can't even defeat 3 satyr shamans. Not bad. I assume Larry is the name of one of those shamans.

  8. #8

    Re: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

    Really nice so far! Very entertaining. Im looking forward to more.

  9. #9

    Re: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

    Sorry this one took a while - having Mom visit for the weekend puts a crimp in my playing any games, let alone doing any writing!


    Back in town, the five heroes swiftly liquidated their meager haul from the shamans, and then window shopped at the trader’s wagon stall. Certainly none of them had enough to buy anything. Or that’s what they thought, when Origen came trotting back up to rejoin the group, his staff now missing. “What in the world is that?” Jean asked him.

    He grinned, running a hand over the strings of what was probably the world’s ugliest toy guitar. “Thanks to some advice from one of the townsfolk, I have chosen the hidden mastery of the game.” He shrugged, carefully hanging the guitar off his belt by a peg, which promptly popped out with a hideous twang and thudded against the dirt road.

    Miyagi looked at him with narrowed eyes. “There is no hidden mastery. You spend too much time on forums with gullible outlook.”

    Origen huffed, insulted, as he quickly tried to force the badly carved peg back into the hole and restring it. “Fine, you don’t believe me? When we head out of town, I’ll show you when we run into the next group of satyrs.” Grimly, he hefted the instrument and strode purposefully south to where the guards were watching the wall.

    Almost as soon as they stepped past the protective barrier, a frightened man came sprinting towards them, a pair of satyrs hard on his heels. Stepping forward, Origen held up a hand imperiously, and the satyrs slowed to a halt in front of them. “Hey guys, listen to this!” Dropping his hand back to the instrument, he strummed a chord.

    Unfortunately, on such a scruffy and decrepit instrument, even Apollo himself couldn’t have put out a simple chord on-key. A rank beginner like Origen put out a sound more like a trio of zombie cats being tossed into a decade old rusty wood-chipper. The two satyrs heads instantly exploded, showering him with blood, bone fragments, and brains. The guards nearby all doubled over, holding their ears, and even his allies were wincing away in pain.

    Ashley wiggled a finger in and out of one ear, while her new dog cowered behind her legs, whimpering. “If that’s your new mastery, oh great bard,” she spat sarcastically, “you can lead us.”

    “Preferably from far enough in front we can’t hear you,” Jessica added sourly. Thus fortified, they prepared to set out, when the fleeing man stepped gingerly back out from behind the wall.

    “Um, excuse me, but are you going to continue out there?” Nicostratus asked, one hand raised partway to get their attention.

    They glanced at each other, all of them dressed in almost random pieces of armor and equipped with the cheapest weapons to hand. “Well, yes,” Jean asked. “Why? Can you tell us something about the monsters out there?”

    “Ah, er, not exactly,” he sputtered out. “It’s just that my friend, Tellis, was captured by a group of satyrs while we were trying to flee back towards the city. They took him into a cave. Do you think you’ll be able to free him?” He smiled nervously at them.

    “Depends,” Ashley said, stepping around Jean to look at the threadbare shepherd, “what’s in it for us?”

    Before Nicostratus could answer, Miyagi reached out, grabbed the girl by her ear, and turned her back around. “We are heroes,” he said, just loud enough to be heard over her screeches of complaints. “Rewards are offered, not demanded, and we will save him without.”

    More or less prepared, they set forth across the grassy fields near the village. Satyrs, boars, and giant crows all fell before their weapons, and especially before the awful music of the new bard. Before too long, they reached the entrance to the cave, following more cautiously behind the satyrs who fled inside.

    “They’ll be waiting for us to follow them in,” Jean warned. “We need a better plan.”

    Ashley smiled. “I know, we’ll toss in Origen as a sacrifice. If his music doesn’t kill them, we can follow in and save him, I guess.” As he tried to form a coherent counter to this, she raised a hand. “All in favor? Good! Four to one.” Meeting his glare with a smirk, she pointed towards the cave.

    So, holding his guitar confidently, he strode into the entrance of the cave. A few horrible noises later, he poked his head back out. “Ok, the entrance is cleared. I even rolled out the red carpet for you.”

    The others followed him inside, grimacing at the exploded corpses, and headed down the rough hewn steps deeper into the cave. A few more satyrs blocked their way, only to go down from the blasts of fire from Ashley and Miyagi. Around a corner ahead of them they could hear the terrified sobs of the other shepherd they were here to find.

    “On three. Ready?” Jean glanced around at the others, only to have Origen ignore her and stride around the corner. Taking a good stance, he pulled back and strummed his thumb across the guitar strings as hard as he could. One of the strings snapped, all four of the satyrs suffered sudden air-conditioning of the skull, and the cave gave an ominous rumble. “That doesn’t sound good,” Jean muttered.

    Quickly, Jessica dashed backwards to the corner, pulling the terrified (and now deaf) man to his feet, shoving him towards the exit. “Miyagi, help me get the treasure out of here!” Each of them grabbing a side, they stumbled towards the exit, dodging the larger rocks as they fell.

    Somehow, the heroes managed to exit the cave before it completely collapsed, falling to the dirt outside and trying futilely to brush the rock dust off of them. As they tried to talk to Tellis, he pulled free, and ran screaming down the road towards Helos. “So much for gratitude,” Origen griped. “Well, might as well divvy up what’s in the chest.” Cracking it open, they passed around a few rings and some pieces of junk, then walked back to the village to get some more value on their trade-ins.


    Strum (level 1 skill for Music Mastery: Strumming a chord sends out a wave of sonic energy, damaging anyone close enough to hear it. (1/8 points, Left Mouse Button skill)
    First point grants: 3.0 meter radius
    Ignore 10% of damage resistance
    Deals 50% damage to allies and pets
    1 energy cost
    Higher levels increase the radius, increase the damage resistance ignored, and decrease the damage dealt to allies in exchange for a very small increase in energy cost.

  10. #10
    Olympian God Matseb2611's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007

    Re: Titan's Quip - a wholly useless parody

    Lol, a music mastery.
    So how much of actual damage does strum do to the enemies?

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