Titan’s Quip – a parody (sell value 1 gp)
The boat drifted up to the dock, the boatman staring nervously at the faint pall of smoke drifting upwards from behind the little township of Helos. Barely had the vessel been settled before a woman leaped off onto the rickety dock, taking a few quick staggering steps to be standing on firm soil. Drawing in a deep breath, she exclaimed, “Helos, your savior has arrived!”
“**** right I have,” another of the passengers groused from behind her, cracking his neck audibly. “So why don’t you just get back on the boat and get – ouch!” His patronizing speech was cut off as the young girl kicked him square in the ankle.
“Really, I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said another woman, her shoulderless red tunic nearly slipping off of her lithe body. “Isn’t it better to have three heroes rather than one?”
“Four!” burst out the girl, looking dangerously close to kicking the tall redhead’s high heels out from under her.
“Five!” said another voice from behind them, and the ragtag group turned around to look at the aged asian man walking up the pier. “So, now we get going, yes? Monsters to beat. I am Miyagi.”
“Hi, old guy! I’m Ashley,” cried the girl as she bounced over to him.
The other man groaned, and rubbed a hand from his eyes up and over his shaved head. “Call me Origen,” he said, then drew out the knife at his belt. “Can we speed this up and get moving?”
Pouting, the sultry redhead pointedly ignored him and gave a small nod to Miyagi. “My name’s Jessica.”
“And I am Jean d’Arc,” said the last woman, before tucking her braided hair up under her cap. “Now are we ready to step forth and kill things?”
“Wait a minute!” cried out Corythus, unhappily. “Not a single one of you is Greek!”
The five would-be heroes exchanged a glance hurriedly, then Origen shrugged broadly. “So what?”
Pulling a tactical facepalm, the boatman spat something in Greek. “This is a Greek town. The whole game is based on Greek mythology. But not a single one of you is Greek! This is a travesty!”
Smirking, Ashley turned around and started leading the way up the road. “Isn’t that why we’re filming on location?”
Before any of them had moved more than a few steps up the road, a frantic Greek man came rushing towards them from the fiend. “Help me, help me! The satyrs are attacking my horse!” Somewhere in the soundtrack echoed a beating drum.
“What was that?” Miyagi asked.
“What was what?” Timeus asked back, slipping the drum behind his back.
“Never mind that – we’ve got a horse to rescue!” cried Jean.
“And experience to earn!” Origen chimed in.
All five drew their knives, and charged into the field. They could see a handful of satyrs harrying an old, swaybacked nag of a horse. “He wants us to save that ugly thing?” Ashley asked in disgust.
Wading into the fray, the five made short work of the satyrs, who didn’t even bother turning to try and defend themselves, but continued poking their weapons at the horse, whose gray coloring might have been stone for all the good the weapons did.
“We saved the horse!” Jessica purred. Then she made the mistake of trying to reach for the bridle still on the horse. Whinnying in anger, or maybe still in fear, the horse started to lash out at the five people surrounding it. In moments, they were all sent flying head over heels, with hoofprints stamped on more sensitive parts of their anatomy. Moaning and clutching their bruises, they staggered back out of the field. “Don’t say a word,” she said, waving her knife in Timeus’ direction.
Only a little further up the road lay the town of Helos – their destination. The guards, dressed smartly out in armor and gleaming weapons, looked over the five with varying looks of dismay. Still, they managed to hold their comments until the heroes had passed them. Still, seeing five people walking into the village, the captain of the guards came rushing forward to them.
“Well, if this isn’t just what we need – five more useless mouths to feed!” Even as they opened their mouths to protest, he spoke louder, cutting them off with a derisive wave. “Take your useless selves over to talk to Diomedes – maybe he’s got a good suicide mission you can take yourselves on.” Continuing to ignore them, he strode up to the barricades and started berating his soldiers on the condition of their uniforms.
“Well, they’re sure friendly around here,” Origen muttered as he wiped satyr blood off his knife. “What does a guy have to do around here to get treated seriously?” Walking past a fountain, the other four missed seeing Ashley toss in a coin, and the sparkling water that then began to flow in it.
Diomedes, the village elder, turned out to be a portly man with a thick beard. “What, more useless refugees? Like we didn’t have enough of them already! Oh sure, we can keep the monsters out of the village, but since they’ve overrun all of the fields and orchards, we can’t feed everyone right now! If you want to have a next meal, then go out there and kill the shaman who’s burning the wheat fields down.”
“Wait moment,” Miyagi started to say, but Diomedes cut him off, pointing imperiously towards the small bridge across the small river their boat came on.
Snorting, the girl led the way toward the bridge. “Might as well get this over with,” she said, leading the rest towards their first real battle.