[joke] who shot the beaver :)

[ruubster]

This is a thread where everyone post their jokes, plz no jokes that could offence people

or as enigma said:

can't we make this a big joke thread anyways? i'd like seeing that..

anyway here is the first one:

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old answered, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly"

[Theo]

I liked it :)

[ToiMoi]

can't we make this a big joke thread anyways? :D i'd like seeing that..

sorry getting bored seeing nobody posting on the forums.. :p
for the sake of this thread, here's my contribution:

A blonde walks into a store, she points behind her and says to one of the guys working there: "I want to buy that tv!" The employee frowns and replies: "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blondes." This girl thinks the guy is rude and leaves, only to come back next day after dying her hair brown. She pops the question: "Can i buy that tv?" and the reply is the same: "We don't sell to blondes!" Sure enough, our lady gets her hair done again. Now a redhead, she walks in again and asks for the tv. The guy sighs and says: "We don't sell to blondes." She can't believe it. The girl freaks out and yells: "How the hell do you know i am blond?!" The guy smiles: "Your pointing at a microwave!"

[ruubster]

whahaha liked it :D

and I also like the idea of making a 'big joke thread' :D

[ToiMoi]

so why don't we make it like that then :D



aaanyhoo did you guys know there are 11 problems when drinking beer?

Problem no. 1
the beer doesn't give satisfaction and has no taste whatsoever, plus, your shirt is getting wet!
Conclusion
you forgot to open your mouth or you have put the glass to the wrong part of your face.
Action
get a new beer and practice your techniques in front of a mirror until perfected.
use as much beer as needed.

[ruubster]

liked it :)

here are some new ones:

1.
here was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off." :D

2.
Three blondes passed every day through a street that led them from their room to their office. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "Red, blue, black."

One of the blondes noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to her friends, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, girls were astonished!! One of the blondes spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear. So, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!" :D

3.
Had a few beers to many last night???
How to Rate a Hangover
Only those who have been there can identify with this.........

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM, Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover(*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to
defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your butt. Death sounds pretty good about right now...:D

hope you liked them

[ToiMoi]

lol funny idd :D liked the parrot and the nude model ones!



There's a man at the doctor's office, the doctor tells him the testresults.
"I've got good news and bad news."
-"Well, tell me the bad news first then."
"The bad news is you've got ME, that's myalgische encefalomyelitis (chronical fatique syndrome)."
-"...And what would the good news be?"
"Officially that disease is non-existent, so you're perfectly healthy!"



Problem no. 2
the beer doesn't give satisfaction and has no taste whatsoever, plus, the contents of your glass seem very pale
Conclusion
your glass is empty
Action
look for someone to offer you a new glass of beer